Mirror Image

Every parent has had this experience. The parent's child is acting in an obnoxious manner. The parent turns to his/her spouse and says, "YOUR child is acting in unacceptable fashion [being stubborn/rude/too loud/too quiet]"etc. My wife and I are experts at this particular manner of conversation. I tend to view every instance of our children's being stubborn as the perfect time to say to my wife, "I wonder why he's being so stubborn? Where did he inherit that?" As I say this, I am pointedly looking at my wife, clearly blaming her stubborn streak. My wife, interestingly enough, can observe the same scene, the same stubborn streak, and fault my genes. Such interactions seem fractious, yet I believe them to be healthy and normal. What better way to relieve the stress of irritation with one's child than to blame it on one's spouse.
Sometimes the opposite can be true. Rather than blame one's spouse for a child's misbehavior, a parent gladly takes responsibility for a child's positive behavior. I specialize in this. I often credit myself for my older son's athletic skills or his charming ways; I also see myself in my younger son's zany sense of humor or his great imagination. Yes, it is easy to see one's self in one's children when they are acting in a pleasing manner. But what happens when we see our short-comings in our children. How to handle this?
The first challenge in the handling of our less pleasant qualities' appearing in our children is to recognize the qualities. It has taken me years, literally, to realize that I wasn't a perfect child. For the life of me, I could not recognize anything of me in my older boy's ultra-hyper-uber competitiveness. Then, and this actually took considerable reflection, I recalled tapping a tremendous source of competitive aggression when playing against my father in a Thanksgiving day basketball game when I was in high- school. The realization that I, too, had the capacity for athletic-oriented, intensely competitive zeal/mania was eye-opening. It provided me with some insight into my older boy's reactions to playing sports with me. Also, a considerable searching of childhood memories afforded me with an insight into my older son's occasional (and completely age-appropriate) shabby treatment of his friends when they don't want to do what he wants. I was i second grade. My best friend was over to play. Somehow, I got the idea that we could go to see the movie Grease (it would be my seventh viewing). I LOVED that movie (Olivia Newton-John was my first love). My best friend was not so excited. He said he didn't want to go. My father, very appropriately said, we would not be going. I was outraged. In a huff, I ran upstairs and, slamming my door, sequestered myself in my room. Obviously, this was not the most gracious reaction to disappointment. I had completely forgotten about the incident until I witnessed my son's sequestering himself in his room during his birthday party (I forget what set him off). After observing his behavior, searching my memory, and realizing that I had once acted similarly- I felt better equipped to help my son more graciously handle his frustrations vis-a-vis his friends.
As a child, I played the role of the incompetent like a pro. Any task that I was asked to do (like setting the table before dinner or clearing the table after dinner), I did so poorly that my sister or mother or father had to take over and complete themselves. It is pure justice, therefore, that my younger son has adapted a similar approach to his chores. He feigns the inability to do many tasks that I know he can do. He does it with such conviction, such creativity that I almost believe him. But then I recall my own childhood, my own youthful shenanigans to get out of daily chores. Empowered with such knowledge, I'll often say to my son, "you can't fool me. I used to try the same tricks. Please go ahead and do...." But my younger boy is unyielding. His insistence that he cannot perform the chore is so convincing that I often find myself completing his tasks. Boy, can he be inflexible!!!!! He's so... stubborn!!! (And that's my wife's fault).
Just joking.